*Migrated from tinyurl.com/tattlethea, Feb 22 2017
Quite recently I learned a new American idiom from my discipleship group leader: chasing rabbits.
Chasing rabbits basically means doing something irrelevant or allowing yourself to be distracted from your original agenda. The idea was derived from dogs chasing rabbits as they are walked by their owners unleashed and wouldn’t get back on track unless stopped by a powerful external force (e.g. leash, owner, rabbit going down the hole, etc.). It’s a really interesting thought that I learned in passing and I’ve realized that there’s actually so much more to it than just being an idiom.
It’s 11 in the evening, my class is at 7:30 in the morning tomorrow. I have a long exam, a paper due, group papers needed for the next day and a Math 19 (Calculus) exam the following day also. I am lacking in all motivation to do anything, I desperately want to give up and sleep and trash everything. I am a complete mess. I feel like dying. Yet right now, I’ve realized that before getting into the worries of this world, I need to get to the root of the problem: I’ve been loving the world for quite some time now and it has caused me utmost dissatisfaction and unhappiness.
I find it ironic and somehow frightening to squish in a blog post in the midst of my crisis yet this has been long overdue; I’ve known for a long time that The Lord has been pushing for me to share His Word through this website and yet, I have consistently postponed it until today. I’ve learned that God is most powerful above all things and obeying His Will would lead to the satisfaction of other things I need to be done as it was said in Matthew 6:33. So I’m testing my faith and finally putting my trust in Jesus Who will definitely see me through.
Let me tell you the most insane thought I’ve had in my head since last night up until this morning: You are useless. You should kill yourself.
I used to have thoughts like these when I was much younger but since I came to know Jesus fully, I’ve been transformed and I have found the meaning of life. I couldn’t understand why, after so many years of growing in my love for Christ, I’ve come back to my old insecure self.
It was triggered by this incident that occured last night: I broke one of my mother’s most treasured, limited edition and intricately designed wine glasses and there was no way in hell I could go out and buy her a new one. She loved them so much and so it was easy to understand her anger towards me. She became really really angry, which I completely deserved because I’ve literally been the cause of about 90% of the broken things in the house. I am one clumsy girl and I’ve ruined more of her things than mine.
In the midst of the scolding session, I began to reminisce my entire life and I remembered all the failures I’ve committed and the failures I have yet to do. I thought of how useless I was, how completely hopeless and of how I will never change no matter how hard I tried.
I figured that by killing myself, I would spare my parents of paying my intensely expensive tuition fee and I wouldn’t have to fail my Math long test and other things. I thought, “you’re going to fail your exams anyway and break more things in the house in the future, might as well just cut your losses and end things while the damage isn’t too big yet.”
I allowed my anxiety to kick in and spent a lot of time researching on how, after so many years, I was finally going to execute my plan.
And during the Sunday service today, I was completely convicted of how much love I’ve been wasting on other things which has led me to think myself this much of a disappointment. I’ve been loving the world too much, so much more than I’ve come to love God.
I’ve been chasing the rabbit of self-love, self-assurance, self-confidence, success and whatnot when at the end of the day, these things will never be enough to give me complete and uttermost happiness.
I realized, a few hours ago from now, that Jesus has been chasing me constantly as I’ve continued to chase useless rabbits that have been taking me away from His love for me.
To be honest, I’ve been quite hesitant to share my weaknesses to other people. Those who know me fully understand my ultimate reservation when it comes to emotional things because, I guess, I’m quite full of self-pride in that way. Yet finally, Jesus has given me the courage to humble myself and share my troubles with others so that He may be glorified through me.
Yet now, I’ve come to think thoroughly of my purpose for living and of the existence of everything in my life.
Para saan ba ako nabubuhay?
Am I living to get the highest possible grades? Am I living for my parents, so I can make them proud of me beyond all else? Am I living to have as many friends and loved ones as possible? Am I living for all the knowledge I love acquiring and have yet to acquire? Is my life all about earning tons of money and being more successful than what people are expecting from me?
Or am I living my life for Jesus?
All this time I have forgotten that Jesus already chose to die for me as I was busy chasing after things for self-validation. I have chosen to ignore the fact that Jesus sees me worthy enough to be loved more than anything else in the world, that I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14), as I sought after all sorts of distractions to make myself feel that I am enough and worth being proud of.
It’s ironic how I’ve been so passionate about investments and the stock market for quite a while now, spending most of my time learning about it, when I’ve completely ignored the most profitable and completely worth my buck investment of all: Jesus.
I don’t really know why my story is of any significance nor of why I am ever so valued and loved by Jesus Christ. I don’t understand why my ever so uninteresting circumstances are being commanded by Jesus for me to share but all I know is this:
As 2 Corinthians 2: 3, 5b says
“Clearly, you are a letter from Christ showing the result of our ministry among you. This ‘letter’ is written not with pen and ink, but with the Spirit of the Living God. It is carved not on tablets of stone, but on human hearts….
It is not that we think we are qualified to do anything on our own. Our qualification comes from God.”
I sincerely hope that my simple words impacted you in any way. God bless you & I wish you had a wonderful Sunday!