Do you ever get that nagging feeling deep within your chest when it almost seems like a living organism is pulling your heart-pumping muscle down to your stomach?
Well, I do.
I would like to believe that it is simply caused by a common illness or a curable disease but, oftentimes, it isn’t.
When you look back into the fourth dimension of space which, in simple words, is time (according to H.G. Wells of The Time Machine) .. do you look back with joy or with sadness? With gratitude or regret? With smiles and hugs and sunshine or with tears and scars and pain?
Personally, I normally experience both. But the nagging feeling I have aforementioned comes if and only if I am looking back using the I-should-have and what-could-have-been lenses of my brain.
Don’t we all?
In the midst of living life as it is, don’t we all suddenly recall past events and past people which and whom we could have treated better? Don’t we all experience feeling so much regret for letting them leave your life without them knowing that you cared for them as much as you really did?
There are several past events in my life which decided to crawl back into my deepest thoughts and made me feel the pressure of regret today which is too huge a quantity, not even measurable by atm, mmHg or Pascal.
I’d rather not go into details but in summary, they’re just people who have been a part of my existence. Whether they walked out of my life, I walked out of theirs , or they have gone into the afterlife, these people include those whom I had grown to love as much as I could, people who were so close to being my sisters, people whom I’ve neglected at some point, but mainly they’re just people who are no longer in my life as of now – they’re the people who have been haunting me recently.
While I was in the midst of contemplating about them, I learned that the only thing permanent in this world is change and that it’s not necessarily a bad thing.
I guess my mind is once more clouded with billions of I-could-haves but then again, I believe it’s inevitable to feel that way. I do regret not showing them I cared for them as much as I did and I do hope that when I get the chance to give all the love they’ve given me back, I certainly would.
But as I think about it now, it seems clear that there was a reason for their goodbyes, whether they were given or not. These people, however valuable, served their purpose in my life and I sure hope that I served mine in theirs. Maybe, just maybe, we were not coplanar intersecting lines after all and maybe someday the infinitely many points in our existence would find their way to meet again but despite that, as of the moment, it’s important to just let all of my attachments go.
Sometimes we meet people we learn to love so freaking much and it is so difficult to believe that letting them go is a way of showing them that we love them, most especially if they’re also unwilling to leave but then it actually is. When we free them and let them fly into wherever they should be, we accept the fact that they will become better people – wiser, stronger and a thousand times more beautiful – even if we would not be in the picture.
By letting them go despite the difficulties of moving on, we are also letting them know that we’re allowing them to grow into something more than who they are now.
I guess we can just embrace the fact that at the very least, we contributed one molecule of experience in order for them to be molded into better people. At least, we got to meet them and at least we were graced by their presence and their wisdom at one point in our lives.
I know that it would not be easy and sometimes (or most times), it seems impossible to let things flow as they should but it isn’t. It will take millions of tears and Sam Smith songs accompanied by romantic films or countless chick flicks but you’ll eventually get there.
I hope someday, we all learn to let go of our past and set ourselves free from its hold or rather, we finally stop holding on to our countless scenarios of what could have happened if they had not gone. Yes, Elsa of Frozen was right: we should definitely let it go.